So, tonight’s post is brought to you by brutal honesty. In the past I think my efforts at weight loss have failed because I only want to report the “good” and never the “bad” or the “ugly”. But, the truth is- this crazy process of weight loss (especially major weight loss) can be an ugly ugly process. I know that my story isnt everyone’s but I do think that there is someone out there who can probably relate. As you know my “diet” or weight loss plan of choice is Weight Watchers. Tonight, I had saved enough points during the day to indulge in a treat- a small chocolate chip cookie (3 points). Sounds innocent enough right?
I had my cookie after dinner and figured that would be that. After all, I did this easily a few days ago and its not terribly uncommon for me to allow 1 baby sized peppermint patty or a drizzle of dark chocolate on my fruit after dinner. Its not been a problem to stay in control….until it was. Id been feeling anxious all day with loads going on at the office coupled with loads going on in prep for my weekend trip. Tonight, I was trying on potential outfits for the trip when I started to feel really “fat” and frustrated. I decided that I was “never going to lose all of this weight anyway” and that the process was “pointless” and that I was “stuck like this”. Apparently, the food of choice for my pity-party was cookies because I randomly ate 3 additional cookies with a cup of milk. This little rant cost me 11 points I had not planned on “spending”. Luckily, I had plenty of weekly flex points so cover my screw up but I really try to only dip into those 1 day per week and my day was Saturday.
This story brings up a lot of issues I have really resisted writing about. The first: my self-esteem is not where I would like for it to be. The second- I am truly afraid that I cannot lose the weight. I feel like my loss is creeping creeping creeping along when the fact is I have a LOT to lose. I feel afraid sometimes that I really am “stuck” which I know is just a mental block. Lastly, I REALLY beat myself up about these cookies. I said to my husband that Id “ruined my week” (dramatic much?) and that I was really “sad” about what Id done. I was rather shocked that sad is the emotion that had kicked in and not pissed. But truth time- the process makes me feel sad a lot.
There is an up-side to the story though- I used to really get screwed up by hiccups like this because I would keep them a secret and “promise myself” Id get back on track tomorrow. It was (is) a REALLY maladaptive disordered way to look at food. While I still struggle with that impulse I did tell my husband and friend Andrea immediately what I had done. My husband assured me I was going to be ok and then asked how I felt. I really only had to think a moment before articulating that the emotional nonsense aside I literally just felt kind of sick. Im taking stock of that so I can remember it when the urge to do something like this rears its ugly head again (and it will). I think I’ll be ready.
Today, wasnt all bad though. So, I leave you with some Tuesday highlights. This will hopefully put a smile back on my face and get me ready for the challenge that is tomorrow. Happy Tuesday friends!
Any advice for making it through the LONG process that is significant weight loss?